I arrived to work at the same time as always with enough time to get to know my patient assignment and make my plan for the day. There was a tense feeling in the air. I didn't sleep very well the night before. Right before retiring to bed, I became glued to my phone screen, scrolling through the most recent headlines related to the virus scare. My mind begins to race, grasping onto the worst-case scenarios my creative imagination generates. Before my shift starts, I learn we have 2 patients that are being ruled out for having COVID-19. I remember thinking, "Things just got real!" In the few seconds it took for me to learn that we might have 2 patients with COVID-19, I was forced into being personally affected by the pandemic. I might be forced to enter a room without the appropriate personal protective mask, as N-95s became a scarce resource. As break relief nurse for the day, I silently prayed that the patients in room 39 would not press their call lights. I began to feel shame for not wanting to go into that isolation room-- to help the patients that could just as easily have been my husband, my brother, or me. I began to judge my guilty thoughts for not wanting to take care of the helpless patients in room 39 and for feeling relieved that I was not the poor shift nurse assigned to either patient for the day.

Nursing is not for the faint of heart. It is HARD work. We nurses are expected to extend compassion and care but rarely receive gratitude in return. Even worse, many of us are type-A personalities and can be very harsh and critical on ourselves and our fellow nurses. I am a recovering perfectionist and self-critic. My journey towards healing my heart began a few years ago when I began to cultivate a self-compassion practice. Self-compassion was the antidotal sunshine to the shame swamp I found myself trudging through in my young nursing career after taking a position at a hospital that was not the right fit for me (more on that later). Since then, I have learned to offer myself kindness for just being human. I'm not perfect & I don't meditate perfectly and I make mistakes at work. That night after my shift ended, after I made it home safely to my loved ones, I placed a hand on my heart before bed and let the light and warmth of self-compassion lead me away from my anxious thoughts.